Backstabbed

Today I'm having some thoughts. I have to get them out and so this is more of a journal entry versus an update on my life or whatever.

I love my friends. I feel like I have several really good friends that I will have for life. Once you're in my heart you are kinda there for good. When I look back on my friendships from the past I am still in touch with most of those people. The people I'm not so in touch with were never really that good of friends. I've never ended a friendship because I was mad or jealous. The friendships that I've had that have faded have just faded over time. No bitter feelings or unfinished business. I still see my friends from high school a lot, which blows Davids mind since he has one really good friend from high school and that's it. I have never found it that unusual. I love talking about old times and talking about our lives now and what we're doing. I don't like losing touch with people I love. I love a lot of people.

I have one situation in my past that was a rough ending with a really good friend. This friend decided that they didn't want to be my friend anymore. They decided they didn't like having me around or talking to me. They never made it clear why they decided that. They hurt me. I moved on. I had several wonderful life experiences without thinking about them at all. Every once in a while I'd wonder how this friend was. What they were doing. If they were happy. Then this friend came back in my life. 3 1/2 years since I had seen or talked to this friend. They apologized. They tried their best to explain why. They said they want to be friends again. That they've missed me. Truthfully I've missed them too. But I was over it. I wasn't upset about not having them in my life and now they matter again. When I go a few days without talking to them I wonder how they are. But I don't trust them. They say it wasn't my fault that they stopped being my friend but they said it was my fault at the time so of course that's whats in my head. I can't let it go. I don't want to say or do the wrong thing in case they decide they don't want to be my friend again. I don't want to put in effort just to get hurt again. It doesn't feel like they're putting in much effort at this point. But I'm looking too hard at the situation. It should be simple. They apologized. They're glad we're friends again. The end. Not so much in my head. I'm such a girl. I didn't used to care at all what people thought of me or who was in my life and who wasn't. If you were going to be in my life you were going to put in the effort. If you weren't that great of a friend I was over trying and I'd easily move on. All the sudden I can't move on. The conversations are awkward. Not at all like they used to be. It should be easy to move on from this friend. They weren't in my life for 3 years and I was fine! I'm going slightly crazy. I find myself unable to remember the memories they bring up. I think I blocked them out because I didn't think they would ever be a part of my life again. I tried to erase them completely maybe? This friend has changed a lot and says the person I met over 6 years ago was the true them. Maybe I've forgotten but I don't think this person is the same as that person I had so many fun times with. They don't seem the same. I've been trying so hard to find my old journals that would be full of memories I could look through and remember but I can't find my journals. Maybe I'm not supposed to be friends with them again. Maybe we could be half friends. You know where you talk every few months. No big deal. You hardly ever see each other. Its just, I'm not good at half friend relationships. I'm kinda a go big or go home type of girl.

I saw a dance on SYTYCD a couple weeks ago about friendship.It was perfect. Click here to see Kent and Neil dance how I'm feeling. It made me think of this friend. Except at the end of this dance the backstabber doesn't come back. I think its harder that the backstabber came back in my situation. Now I don't know what to do.

Sorry for the emo post, it was just on my mind today.